I am so sick of not being good enough. I am so tired that every time I think I've done enough, there was something I forgot, something I should have done. I hate being told I should've done this when it's already too late and being expected to fix it. I hate crying. I hate knowing that crying won't solve anything. I hate feeling like I have to hide the tears. I hate that I can't talk to anyone without them pointing the blame on someone else. It's my fault. I hate that I can't make the right choices. I hate that I want to be good enough because it sounds selfish. I hate being selfish. I hate when I'm told to make a choice but really they just are trying to make me do what they want. I hate wanting to hurt myself. I hate crying harder because I can't. I hate that I have promises to keep. I hate being put in positions where I have to make authoritative decisions. I hate feeling like a failure when I didn't live up to expectations. I hate when I don't live up to expectations. I hate when I work hard and I don't get any results. I hate when my parents talk about me like I'm not there and I can hear them. I hate crying. I hate that I can't get off without feeling immense guilt. I hate that I cry when I masturbate. I hate that I feel attraction to someone that can't reciprocate that feeling. I hate being alone. I hate crying. I hate how my eyes hurt after crying. I hate that I can't have a discussion with anyone without revolving it around to myself. I hate that I make other people worry about me. I hate crying. I hate that I can't form good opinions. I hate that I've made bad choices. I hate that I can't move on from the past. I hate how my parents act like I'm not there when I tell them I have work to do. I hate that they don't listen to me about my feelings. I hate that I can't talk about my feelings without feeling guilty. I hate that I can't listen to Mr. Brightside without people being angry with me. I hate that I can't lose weight. I hate trying to lose weight. I hate not being enough.
I hate crying.
Hun, I know exactly what you are going through. And don't say no one will see because I will. If you ever need to talk to someone, call me. I will not judge, I will listen and only give advice when you want it.
ReplyDeleteDo not ever feel guilty about sharing your feelings. Ever. They are how you feel and that is nothing to be ashamed of.
Call me sometime and we can talk, or I can come visit and we can talk before I have to start work.
I am here for you. I will be here for you until I can no longer speak, walk or breathe. This will always be true.
Life gets better. But it is never perfect. People are not perfect and no one should expect them to be.
Seriously, if you ever feel like this again, call me, I will pick up no matter what.
Things get better, I promise.